I seem to have left my pride at pride
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
