I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
