Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
