If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
