remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I am one with the molecules
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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