and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
