Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
