yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
