in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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