I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
