I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
