There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
