why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
