you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
