I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
