I like to think it a success when the cops are called
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
