My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I think my fart just growled at me.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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