Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
True strength comes from lack of pants
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
