my mouth tastes like poor choices
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
