We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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