i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
