You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
