so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
