Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
