theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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