no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
