it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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