i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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