Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
