is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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