I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
