Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
