I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
