apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
