I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
