sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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