I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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