So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
