Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
