All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
