So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
