So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
