On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
How does one acquire holy water?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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