She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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