I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
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