Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
