i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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