Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
