Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
