Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Non-Jews are for practice
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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